Bevans Family: "A Mildly Enjoyable Moment from the Lawrence Welk Show"

Yet another "talent" show came and went and of course I couldn't pass up the opportunity to do something that might possibly embarrass my children, so here it is.

The original SNL Lawrence Welk Show Spoof (my apologies for whatever obnoxious commercial you have to sit through - oh and if the video doesn't load, try refreshing the page - it worked for me):

Our attempt:

And my favorite version:

Kidspeak (You can't make this stuff up)

We love watching our friend's baby for many reasons, but Claire just pointed out another one. "Mom, don't you wish Zoe was our baby, so when we spill stuff on the floor that babies can eat we wouldn't have to sweep as much?"
In a letter to Grandma, Claire wrote about the highlight of her recent school play. "One of the blackbirds threw up close to the end of the play." Then in parenthesis, she clarified, "What I mean by throw up is barf."
Claire has a talent (curse?) for making extra stinky smells come out of her body. I commented on it to her once, asking, "Do you even know how stinky those are?" "Yeah," she answered, "I smell them all the time. My bum is stuck to me."
With Eden's limited consonant sounds, a lot of what she says comes out sounding like "big butt." ("flip flop" for example). So when she came to me and said, "Mommy, I know you have a big butt," I thought, "OK, what are you REALLY saying?" Then she added, "I mean, 'bum'. You have a big bum and I have a yittle bum." So she actually WAS saying "big butt"! Thanks, daughter.
I recently learned that despite my efforts, my 13-year-old daughter may not be a particularly progressive thinker, when she said (in true smart alec teenager fashion) "Doctors are boys and nurses are girls"
In an effort to help the girls understand a spiritual concept, I was asking them to define the words in the phrase "my soul delighteth in the scriptures." I started by asking what they thought of when they heard the word "soul". Sophie answered, "Black people."
After a brief discussion on self-esteem with one child, Janelle came in and asked what we were talking about. So I asked her if she loved herself. Without skipping a beat she looked right at me and said, "What's not to love?"
When my back was sore, I asked Claire to walk on it. "Sure!" she exclaimed. "I love walking on your back. It's like jumping on a trampoline that you can't jump on 'cause it's too old."
I had just gotten Claire her clothes and I picked out jeans with rainbow sparkles on the back pockets. She asked me if she could wear them backwards. I said, "Why do you think that wouldn't work very well?" "Because I would get a wedgie, of course. But I'm okay with that!"
As I finished Eden's hair one Sunday morning I stood her in front of the mirror and exclaimed, "Look at the pretty girl!" All of a sudden Claire cut in front, struck a pose and said, "Look at the PRETTIER girl!"
When Claire wandered by me in a very small swimsuit I remarked, "Looks like your swimsuit might be too small, Claire." "No it's not too small," she clarified, "It's just the kind that gives me wedgies."
While browsing through some family pictures, Claire saw a beautiful one of Janelle and longingly remarked, "I wish I was Belly." "Why?" I asked. "So I could wear her new underwear!"
When I gave Claire an ice cream cone, I warned her to try not to drip on her shirt. Sure enough, after she was finished, her shirt was a mess of ice cream. As I tried to scrub out the stains, I chided her for dripping all over her shirt. "I told you NOT to drip on your shirt, remember?" Defensively she replied, "Those aren't drips mom. I just like to wipe my mouth off sometimes."
"Annie" has been a favorite movie of Claire's lately, so when we took her hair out of a braid and it was all curly she got very excited and exclaimed, "Hey! My hair looks like one of the orphans' in 'Annie'!" "Which one?" I asked. "Uh...I think her name is Lincoln Lizards." :)
When Claire brought me her clothes to get her dressed I noticed she hadn't brought any clean underwear. "Hey, where's your undies?" I asked. "Did you think the ones you're wearing are still good?" "Why don't you smell them and check?" she suggested, offering her bum for a good whiff.
I told Claire her friend Hayden was coming over to play soon. She got very excited and said, "Hayden is so much fun to play with!" Then with a sudden change of tone, she added, "But not when she HITS me or BITES me or does what SATAN wants her to do!"
My nephew, Tommy, had been snuggling with his grandma early in the morning when he tiptoed upstairs to where his mom was. "Grandma's sleeping," he whispered, "so we have to be VERY quiet!" Feigning thoughtfullness (the best that a 3 yr old can) he said, "I have to eat something quiet for breakfast." Then he offered the perfect solution: "Marshmallows is quiet, mom!"
While at my sister's house, Claire asked for a banana. Shanna gave her one and started to peel it upside down. "This is how monkeys peel bananas." she explained. Claire ate her banana thoughtfully, and after a couple minutes asked, "How do giraffes peel bananas?"
After Claire had drawn all over a bunch of papers that Brooke wanted to use, she complained, "Mom, Claire scribbled all over all of these!" Offended, Claire argued, "They're NOT scribbles! They're a FANCY DESIGN!"
Claire and I were playing "I Spy" while on a walk. When it was Claire's turn, she said, "I spy something....dirt" "Uh...is it dirt?" "Yes!!" she exclaimed, "Lucky guess!"
Janelle told Claire that she had "such beautiful blond hair!" To which Claire responded,"Well you have ugly brown hair, but I still love you."
I heard Claire talking to her uncle (on Todd's side) on the phone about her cousin (on my side). She told him about her cousin Ellie who lives in "Mickana." "It's 'Montana,'" I corrected her. "I KNOW!" she told me, exasperated. "I said the NICKNAME of Montana."
As Sophie prepared her baked potato she exclaimed, "Gross. Who got toast poop in the butter?"
I tried making a coconut sorbet and had Brooke give it a taste test. "I don't really like it." she told me gently. "Well, because I don't really like nuts."
When a Jeopardy question asked about a German toping for hotdogs, I shouted out the answer, "Saurkraut!" Sophie misheard me and wondered why in the world the Germans were so fond of "Sour Crap"
As the language police in our house, Claire found something to be offended by when I answered Janelle's question of who played the Phantom in "Phantom of the Opera". "Gerard Butler," I told her. "Don't SAY that!" Claire said emphatically. "It's Gerard BUMler!"
While I was sitting feeding Eden, I told Claire, "I need a diaper and wipes." She ignored me so I repeated myself. After the third time, she looked at me and said, "I can't when you just say, 'I need a diaper and wipes.'" So I tried again, "Will you PLEASE get me a diaper and wipes?" to which she replied, "Yes. That's better."
After discussing with Sophie why in the world a local teenager would wear a t-shirt with the words "serial killa" on the back, like she saw, Brooke seemed confused and made an excellent point. "Um, everyone's a cereal killer unless they never eat cereal."
When Claire walked in to me with dark pink lipgloss all over her mouth I asked her rhetorically if she'd been getting into trouble. "No," she answered innocently. Then with a pucker of her lips she added, "But do my lips look pretty!?"
Our neighbors' dog had to be put down recently, so the girls wanted to make cookies and a card for the family. Janelle was drawing a picture of the dog on the card and Brooke offered this thoughtful suggestion: "Put X's on the eyes since it's a dead dog." (yes, our very warmest condolences)
In an effort to try to get Claire to use the bathroom from start to finish totally independently, I've been offering her a small treat if she wipes and flushes and washes her hands all by herself. When I didn't see her treat where I'd left it, I asked her if she got it. "Yes," she answered, "but can I have a treat for eating my treat all gone?"
Janelle wanted to make sure I paid up her allowance so she could give it to her teacher to donate money to the people who had the earthquake in "Hades"
Sometimes I wish I could understand the mind of a three-year-old. For instance, what is an "uncle-mother" and an "aunt-daddy"?
After procrastinating folding a load of laundry, Brooke pulled out Todd's wrinkled dress shirt from the pile. "See," I told her, "that's why you have to fold laundry right away, so you can hang up dad's shirts before they get all wrinkled!" Then Sophie said, "That's dad's shirt? Oh. I thought it was a bedsheet." (wow - Rude!)
After a doctor appt, Claire asked me where the alligator was. "What alligator?" I questioned, "I don't really know what you're talking about." As we approached the elevator she exclaimed, "See! The alligator!" "Oh," I replied, "you mean 'elevator'." "Yeah, that's what I said," she argued, "'alligator'"
While Claire was getting a dress on, she was singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". I noticed her dress was caught up in the back and asked, "Is that stuck in your bum?" "No," she replied, referring to the song, "it's stuck in my head." She must've thought I was a moron thinking songs get stuck in people's bums :)
When Claire had her eye surgery, she got a hospital bracelet with her full name on it. "See," I showed her, "it says 'Claire Margaret Bevans'. Did you know your middle name was Margaret?" I asked. "No it's not," she informed me, "My middle name is Buddha-butt." (apparently that's her favorite of her many nicknames)
As I was holding Claire on my lap, she passed gas in my hand. "Hey, you tooted on me!" I accused her. "Yes," she replied, "Would you want that for dinner?" Not so much...thanks though :)
For the past few weeks, Claire has added a new element to her meal prayers. She prays that we won't throw up. It's either a reaction to her seeing me in my pregnant state, or a serious slam on my cooking.
During a discussion on gratitude, we all took turns sharing what we were thankful for. Two of Claire's were "Daddy's fuzzy nubs" and "a nose for my boogers to live in."
As the Halloween decorations went up this year, Claire made a theological conclusion. While looking at our Halloween table runner, complete with a Jack-o-lantern, bat and ghost appliques. She pointed to the ghost and said, "Look, it's the Holy Ghost!"
Claire insists she has a baby growing in her tummy. When I asked about it, she told me it was a boy and she was going to name it "Rooster"
When I told Claire there was a girl growing in my tummy, I added that she would be "Eden" (our name of choice). Way too enthusiastically she replied, "Yeah, we're going to eat her!"
Sophie tried out a new hairdo and asked Claire if she'd like the same done to her. Claire's answer: "No, because your hair is ugly like that." Well now, don't hold back, Claire!
While Janelle was helping me paint, Brooke was being distinctly unhelpful and laying on the floor asking Janelle to paint her feet. Janelle had a ready excuse though: "What if there's suddenly a contest on whose feet are the most skin-colored and you have paint on them. You'd lose."
After Claire used the bathroom, she showed me her "creation". "Look, Mom," she exclaimed, "The little poop is me and the big stink poop is you!" I'm flattered.
Claire noticed a big mosquito bite on her left arm. "Look mom," she said as she was rubbing it, "I got another one nub!"
Todd had a box of the Big Cheese-It's and was sharing them with Claire. She noticed how large they were and pointed it out to me. "Look mom, it's big!" she exclaimed, "Like your bum and daddy's bum!"
During dinner, Janelle wanted to be completely certain she knew what she was eating. "So Mom," she questioned, "What animal does this chicken come from? Chicken?" "Did you seriously just ask that?" I questioned back.
While teaching a 7th grade geography class, a few kids were looking for satellite images of different places on Google Earth. While searching for Salem, Oregon, one student zoomed in over a vast empty wilderness. "That's not Salem," another student pointed out. "Yes it is," replied the first. "It's before they put the Wal-Mart in."
With the surprise of a sunny day in April, the girls wanted to go play in the sprinkler outside. Claire put on her swimming suit and was about to head outside when I stopped her to put on some sunblock. "You have fair skin Claire, so we have to keep you safe," I told her. Dead serious, she reacted to the word 'safe'. "Yeah," she said, "There's monsters in Belly's [Janelle's] room."
The girls were talking about some Student of the Month awards they’d recently gotten. Sophie reminded them that they’d all gotten them for (as she pronounced it) “a-cade-a-mic excellence” [academic excellence]. Well deserved, Sophie. Well deserved :)
While watching a nature documentary in which the male of the species was fighting for the right to mate with the female, Sophie concerned me with her manner of compassion. "If I were the female, I'd mate with the loser, 'cause I'd feel bad for him." (AAAAHHHH!)
Claire was laboriously fixing my hair the other day, and after 10 minutes or so, she proudly announced her finished product: "Look mom, a tangle!"
My kids have a tendency to read several books at once. I asked Brooke once if she got confused doing that. She rolled her eyes at me and said, "What? Do you think I think Fudge has a lightning scar on his head or something?"
Claire has been caught more than once drawing on herself, and at 2 1/2 yrs old, she's well aware of the fact that I don't approve. So when she came in to me colored blue, she thought she'd try a different tactic. She innocently handed me the blue marker and declared, "The marker colored Claire, Mom."
The kids spent some time with my dear friend Martha while I was out of order, and she gave them all red roses (cause she's sweet like that). She told me she saw Janelle sitting, gazing at the rose and saying dreamily, "I wish my lips were as red as the red, red rose."
Lately my little Claire has had some indigestion issues and her bm's (or fishies, as she calls them) have been a curious shade of green. (Gross, I know. I'm not making you read on if you don't want to - you know you do.) So after one incident, I asked her, "Claire, where have all these green fishies been coming from?" Stating the obvious, but missing the point, she answered, "The fishies coming out of Claire's bum."
My niece and nephew, Ellie and Johnny, were watching TV when the commercial about rollover minutes came on. Ellie watched the woman in the commercial tell the kid to beat it, and observed, "That was really rude of her." "But Ellie," Johnny patiently explained, "They were rollover minutes. They can still use them."
We were having a family discussion on honesty, and clarifying the difference between being honest and being rude. "For instance, don't go and tell someone in your class that you think they're fat and ugly," I explained. Sophie countered, "But there's no one fat and ugly in any of our classes," to which Janelle corrected, "There is in Brooke's."
While visiting my sister Shanna up in Washington, we took the girls to a hockey game. Janelle got pretty into it, and was duly dissappointed when our team lost. As we were getting up to leave, Janelle remarked, "You know the team in the blue shirts?" (referring to the opposing team), "I wish they all had broken legs or diarrhea."
Certain I should know, Brooke told me that Gracie (a little girl we babysit afterschool) eats dog spit. Gracie fervently voiced her defense, "Not ALWAYS!"
Two year old's mispronunciations are always a great source of amusement. Claire has recently renamed one of her favorite princesses, Sleeping Beauty. She now calls her "Freaking Booty" Princess or stripper? You decide.
Janelle and Sophie were put in a time out on benches in the same room. When Janelle kept laughing, I sent her to her room. She protested saying,"I couldn't help it, Sohpie was making funny faces!" At that, Brooke felt the need to interject. "I saw the faces, Mom, and they weren't that funny."
We found evidence of a mouse in the garage, so when I bought groceries, I hesitated to put any away out there. "I don't want to throw any more food at those boogers," I said to myself. All of a sudden Sophie looked up startled, "How did you know I flicked my boogers out there!?"
When Sophie was six, she sat down at the piano one day and wrote this song: "Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted someone. Then her mother said that she was busy and the girl started to cry. Then her daddy came home and gave her a present. So she stopped crying and opened the present. And she saw her mommy made her favorite dinner, that's why she was so busy." Speaks volumes, I think.
In a science class I was teaching, the kids saw a nature movie, of sorts, and when a baby moose was on the screen, I asked if anyone knew what kind of animal it was. The answer that made me question the value of our whole education system was, "An ugly Bambi?"
In a class I was teaching, the kids were watching a video in which a group of boys walk into a smelly cave and one of them says, "Gross. Who did that?" Oblivious to the fact that the line was delivered in a movie, and not by a classmate, one boy quietly confessed, "I'm sorry."
I was testing Sophie on her spelling words when I came across the word "usually." In order to prove whether there were 2 l's or only 1, I brought up a word document I'd been typing up earlier for a primary lesson. I typed in the spelling word to see if it came up as incorrect. Sophie questioned the new title of my lesson: "Heavenly Father Loves All His Children Usually."
Todd was trying to talk to the girls about being more apologetic when they do something wrong by presenting them with hypothetical situations and asking what they would do. He told Janelle a story about how she saw Claire getting into her stuff, got mad and pushed her. Janelle was appalled and immediately went for her default defense, "No I didn't! Brooke did!"
Claire has come up with a nickname for her bm's. She calls them her little "fishies." Still, it may be better than what Brooke and Janelle used to call them - "Cookies." :)
I was substituting in a second grade class when I saw one of the girls had a bottle of perfume. Someone had sprayed it, and it was becoming a problem, so I asked her to put it away and if I saw it again I would take it till the end of the day. She let out a dejected sigh and said,"I know. I just wanted to be cool."
My all-time favorite "say what!?" moment with my kids was when the twins were about 2 1/2, and Janelle came running in to me, frantically shouting, "Brooke's stuck in Cinderella's bum!" I went back to the bedroom to investigate and found the explanation: Brooke's dress was caught in a Cinderella Barbie doll where the leg attaches to the hip.
We were on our way to go visit Todd's grandma, ("GG" to the kids), and I was explaining where we were going to Claire who hadn't seen her since she was just born. She got very excited when I told her we were going to say hi to GG, and I was surprised since she wouldn't have remembered who GG was. Then I remembered, GG is how she pronounces "Jesus".
Todd was asking the twins how long it had been since they'd had an accident. Brooke rolled her eyes and answered, "It's been like two years, Dad," Janelle and Sophie, knowing different, piped up simultaneously accusing her of having had a nighttime bedwetting just days earlier. Offended, Brooke argued, "No! That was an ACCIDENT!"
At the end of a day of being particularly short with my children, I apologized to Sophie for being impatient and grouchy with her. At that moment, Janelle walked by and said loftily, "Yeah, I noticed that too, but you taught me not to be rude, so I didn't mention it."
My kids like to play a game they call "Magic Fairy" wherein I make a request for something to get cleaned, and they magically do it when I'm not looking. (I love that game!). So when Janelle asked if I needed a magical fairy for anything, I wished for the dining room to be cleaned. A half hour later I saw Janelle sitting reading, and mentioned to Todd that I thought maybe the fairies weren't magical anymore because the dining room didn't get cleaned. Janelle overheard and thought quickly. "I'm just reading my spell book, " she said. A minute or so later when I walked through the room again, she mumbled, "Page 33, 'How to Clean Dining Rooms.'"
The girls' friend from next door came over to see if she could play. We were just leaving for the park, so I told her to come back in the afternoon. As she turned to walk away, she said, "I'm driving my mom crazy for some reason. That's why she told me to come over and play."
Janelle is getting a little tired of Sophie's enthusiasm-bordering-on-obsession with "High School Musical", and declares that she can't stand it [way to go girl!]. So, naturally, when I pulled up to a pharmacy to run some errands, she didn't want to come in with me. "Ewwww. Mom, I don't want to go in there, it say's Hi-School, you know, like the musical."
Brooke and Janelle's friend, Gracie, was boasting about her ability to run super fast. When she caught up with me, out of breath, she explained, "I think Jesus must've put a spell on my legs to make them go so FAST!"
After the couch had been shampooed, my three-year-old niece, Ellie, was getting impatient to sit on it again. "If you sit on it now," I tried to explain, "your bum will get all wet." "My bum doesn't care," she replied.
My five-year-old nephew, Colton, is getting very good at reading, but he still stumbles from time to time. At breakfast, he was trying to make his choice of cereal by reading the names on each box. Carefully he sounded out, "Fr-ost-ed........mini.........w-ar-ts. Whoa! I don't want THAT one!"
Sophie has always been such an affectionate child. When she was about five years old, she very sincerely expressed, "Mom, I love you more than I love Satan." Wow. Thanks. Where do I rate with Hitler, Stalin and Manson?
As I sat down at the computer to do a search on something, I forgot what it was and asked Janelle if she knew what I was trying to figure out. "How about you figure out how much money a penny is worth?" she suggested. "Uh....it's worth one penny," I answered. "No," she explained, "I mean, is it worth two cents, or one hundred cents, or what?"
A few more gift requests from back in Christmas 2006: Sophie wanted a dinosaur bone, Janelle wanted a shark tooth, and Brooke wanted........wait for it........... a gift of tongues (I'm not sure what she was expecting with that one.)
My sister always makes cupcakes for her kids' class on their birthday, and likes to put a treat in the middle of one of them, like a gummy bear or piece of candy, and the lucky kid who ends up with that cupcake gets a surprise. When she asked her then-8-year-old daughter, Maddy what the surprise that year should be, she got this very vain suggestion: "How about a lock of my hair?"
While we were loading up the car to go camping Memorial weekend, the kids could barely contain their excitement. As someone was using their weed wacker a few houses away, Janelle exclaimed, "Wow! I can hear the dune buggies all the way from here, Mom!"
As a reading incentive at school, my girls keep coming home with coupons to Carl's Jr. Since we had to go to a dr. appt. in Corvallis one afternoon, I told the girls we could use their coupons after the appt., but they had to dress in what I picked out, which they don't like to do. But Janelle supported the decision, explaining, "Brooke, we have to look nice to go to a fancy restaurant like that. We can't just wear any old grubbies to fancy places."
My three-year-old niece, Ellie, was out eating with her mom, Erin, and was impatient to get to the dessert. In her most animated and convincing voice she exclaimed, "Mom! I have an idea! Let's just box this lunch up and get me some ice cream with strawberries and a cherry on top!" They ordered one bowl of said ice cream, and were sharing it together when Erin mentioned how full she was getting. With a positively offended air, Ellie countered, "Well, why don't you stop eating MY ice cream then?"
Not a true kidspeak, since an adult said it, but it had to be posted anyway: I was helping another lady teach the children in nursery on Sunday and she was trying to teach them how they could use their hands for good things. As part of her lesson, she taught the sign language for "love". She crossed her arms over her chest, and to get the attention of another little boy in the class, she called to him, "Caiden, come over here and make 'love' with us!" Then under her breath, "ummm....That didn't sound right."
Janelle made another odd gift request today. For her 7th birthday, she wants a block of cheese and some cranberry juice.
My sister-in-law was pointing out Winnie the Pooh to her two-year-old when she realized, he had never been exposed to him before. She had a hard time explaining "Pooh" as a proper noun. She would say, "Look, there's Winnie the Pooh!" and he would question, "Mommy go poo?" "No, the bear. It's Winnie the Pooh!" "The bear go poo?" "No, it's -....nevermind."
I was watching Sophie quiz Claire on the parts of her body. She asked her to point to her nose, eyes, feet, hair, ears, chin, mouth, belly button, bum, and of all things, her urinary tract.
I was watching my friend's little four year old girl, when she gave me a dandelion and told me to put it in my hair. "Then you won't look so ugly when people see you," she explained.
In preparation for Sophie's Harry Potter themed birthday party, we were discussing the levels of grossness of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. When asked what she would rather eat, earthworm flavor or booger flavor, Brooke thoughtfully considered, then answered, "Earthworms would just be gross. Booger flavor would be kinda medium."
During dinner Sophie said, "Dang. My peas got in my ketchup." Then a couple seconds later she corrected, "Actually my 'pea' got in my ketchup, but that sounded gross."
After a RS enrichment meeting, I picked up my kids from the nursery with a plate of refreshments in my hand including some grapes. Janelle saw them and said, "I want some." I offered her some off my plate and she exclaimed,"I want some of my own, not some that you SLOBBERED all over!"
I thought my girls were pretty clear on the basics, even without having brothers. But when the subject of anatomy of boys vs. girls came up, Brooke asked, "What's the big difference? I mean, besides the hair?"
Upon my return from a girl's weekend to a messy house, Janelle gave it to me straight. When asked how the house got like that she replied, "We had a party instead of doing our chores." There's dad for you.
For homework, Janelle was supposed to write a story about a genie that would grant her any three wishes. One of the wishes she wanted was (of all things) a padded toilet seat.
I was explaining the healthful benefits of a colorful meal to my kids one evening at dinner. "The more colors, the better variety of nutrients." I explained. Sophie counted the colors in our meal. "There are 6 different colors in this dinner," she said. "7 if you count the burnt parts."
My nephew, Colton, came home from Kindergarten one day and announced to his mom that his friend Thomas had broken up with him. "Isn't that just for boyfriends and girlfriends?" his mom asked. "No," he explained, "regular friends do it too." "But I have a plan to get him back," he continued. "First, I'll write him a letter. Then if that doesn't work, I'll invite him over to play. Then if that doesn't work, I'll be nice to him." [total last priority! Todd suggested he fake a pregnancy.] Colton continued,"But if that doesn't work, forget about it."
When Brooke was three she observed, "Little kid bums are cute. But mommy and daddy bums are just big."
Janelle and Sophie were folding some laundry as a chore when Sophie got frustrated by Janelle working too slow and said, "Janelle, you're folding like one thing every five minutes." Janelle became defensive and argumentative, prompting Sophie to explain, "Janelle, what I just said, that was a hyperbole."
My 8 1/2 year old niece, Maddy, was with her mom at the grocery store when she saw her buying spinach. She asked if she could have some in her lunch. "You want spinach in your lunch?" Erin questioned just to be sure she heard her correctly. "Yes," she replied in all seriousness, "I want to have a healthy colon."
Just before her 4th birthday I told Janelle that I was going to miss it when she wasn't three anymore. She got a sad look on her face and said, "Why? Are you not coming to my birthday?"
When my sister heard her 3 year old daughter, Ellie, frantically yelling something incoherent, she did what any mom would do and ran around the house making sure everything was okay. There didn't appear to be any problems, so she calmed Ellie down and asked her to repeat very slowly what she was trying to say. Apparently she had seen a sale ad on the floor and wanted to make sure her mom knew that "Olives are on sale!"
When Sophie was five she asked me if I could fix the back tire on her bike which was a little flat. "Of course," I replied, "I can do anything." "No you can't," she countered, "You can't ride a one-wheeler on a tight rope."
My kids have always had odd requests for birthdays and Christmas. One year Sophie wanted an amythyst brooch (the year she was into "Anne of Green Gables"), another year Janelle wanted a back scratcher. This year Janelle told me she wants to ask Santa for a bag of green peppers.
My niece, Ellie (3yrs old) was taking a bath when her mom reminded her to get clean with the soap. "I don't use soap to get clean," she announced, and with a big "duh" in her voice, explained, "I use the toilet paper." Sure enough there was a big wad of wet toilet paper on the side of the tub.
A little girl I was babysitting had to use the bathroom when we picked up Sophie from her classroom. She used the toilet in the classroom, and when she came out I asked her if she needed to wash her hands. "No," she told me very matter-of-fact, "I washed them by licking them."
When Sophie was three, her Grandma Bevans told her she was taking her on a trip to Utah. Sophie was really excited and told everyone, "My grandma's taking me to me-tah!"
I walked in on Brooke doing the Macarena dance, and heard her singing, "Heeeeeyyyyyy, Macaroni!"
I was asking one of Sophie's friends, Keiana, if they had any pets at their house. "No," she answered totally deadpan, "but there's a dead dog out in the field."
Sophie's been wanting a dog for a long time. When I questioned what kind she would want she told me she wanted a small one and that she would name it "Shorty McShort-Short"
When Sophie was 3yrs old, I walked past her and heard her say, "Mommy, you're cute." "How sweet," I thought, and went over to give her a kiss. "You think Mommy's cute, huh?" "No," she clarified, "I said, 'you're huge.'"
Janelle was playing with Barbies and said, "Now I'm going to dress up - " not able to remember the name of the Barbie, she finished, "- you-know-who." Sophie overheard from the other room, and as she'd been reading "Harry Potter", looked up from her book incredulously and questioned, "You're dressing up Voldemort??"
I was talking with my 6 year old neighbor, Dillon, and he told me he wished his dad would let him change his name. What did he want to change it to? "Blood Head"
When she was about 3, getting ready for church one morning, Janelle asked me, "When is church going to be all done?" "At noon," I answered. "No, I mean when is it going to be all done forever? I'm sick of it."
Just when I thought my little twinsies were past the worst, I was laying sick in bed one morning when I was pregnant and I heard the whirring of an electric toothbrush in the bathroom, then a little voice say, "Now tickle my bum."
When Janelle was 3, she told me that when she was in my tummy with Brooke she used to say, "Brooke, I can't take this anymore!" I don't doubt it. Brooke did sit on her face for 4 months.
Brooke was writing in her journal and asked me what made the 'e' sound in "bead." "Like a bead on a necklace?" I asked. "No, like 'I beed bad in school'."
On Veterans Day at Target they were offering free popcorn for veterans. Claire heard "free popcorn" and asked for some. I explained that it was only for veterans. "What are veterans?" she asked. "People who have fought in wars," I explained. "I've fought in wars," she argued, "I fought in the one about who got to play with the Rapunzel Barbie." And after some introspection she added, "I fight in practically all the wars!"
For Thanksgiving when the twins were four, Brooke said she was thankful for her head, and Janelle was thankful for "a mommy, so I don't have to wipe myself."
We were playing a family game called "Mix the fruit bowl" in which everyone is supposed to choose a fruit to be. Janelle was an apple, Sophie was a watermelon, and when I asked Brooke what she wanted to be she said, "A burrito."
When Janelle was 3yrs old, after using the toilet she correctly noted, "My poop is like Belle's hair and my potty is like Belle's dress!"
Shortly after the Belle poop incident, Janelle came up with another astute bm observation: "Hey Mom! The big poop is Ariel and the little poop is Flounder!"
Brooke needed help from Janelle carrying some stuff. She asked her to carry the heavier things "Because," she reasoned, "you're seven minutes stronger than I am." (and seven minutes taller too - that seven minutes REALLY makes a difference!)
I made some comment about Meier and Frank and Sophie said, "Meier and Fred? I thought it was supposed to be Fred Meyer"
We came across the word "multitude" in the scriptures and I asked the girls if they remembered what it meant. Janelle said, "it's when you have lots of babies" (the explanation for "multiply") That's not a bad guess!
One of the girls' all time favorite movies is "The Lizard of the Boz" They were laughing about how they used to think it was lizard, instead of wizard, but they still said "of the Boz"
A summer favorite in my house is "bikini bread". Some of you might know it as zuchini bread
My nephew Colton is inventing his own superhero to be: Lavaboy. He can shoot lava straight out of his stomach and feet.
Another nephew Colton funny - he was sick the other night and throwing up in the toilet. Between retches he looked up at his mom and said, "I knew I shouldn't have eaten those boogers."
While driving, Janelle frantically yelled from the backseat, "Mom! That sign said 'Do Not Pass' and you just passed it!"

Toddspeak (There's simply no excuse for him)

When I commented on Eden's major wedgie, Todd explained, "She's training to be an olympic volleyball player."
While dining at a restaurant with friends, the waitress flattered me by asking for ID (we were seated in the bar area). Todd hadn't joined us yet, so when he came to the table, one friend told him that I had been carded. "I knew it," he lamented. "Time to start shopping for a new wife." "What!?" I exclaimed. "They think I'm under 21 and you think I'm too old?" "Oh," he said, "I thought they were checking you for the senior discount."
During an over-the-phone hearing Todd was doing early one morning I saw that he was off the phone already and I remarked, "Oh, I thought you were still on the phone." "No," he replied, "We're on a recess. And not the fun kind like when you're a kid." A second later he added, "Although maybe I should be out of breath when he comes back on and say that I had just been playing on the monkey bars."
During a particularly bad case of gas, Todd asked me to stand behind him to fix the collar on his shirt before he went to work. Sensing my hesitation, he added, "You know, you will get hazard pay for this."
I have a brother-in-law who is notorious for shamelessly mooning people. While I was watching TV I saw a commercial in which the man had some resemblance to my bro-in-law. "Doesn't that guy look like Fred*?" I asked. "I don't know," Todd replied, "I'd have to see his butt." (*name has been changed to protect the mooner)
After watching the 80's Christmas music video "Feed the World," Todd said, "I think I've been inspired." "To feed the world?" I asked. "No. To get a perm. And an earring."
Todd was practicing singing for a talent show and thought he'd jokingly sing "What would you do if I sang out of tune..." at the beginning, but he had a hard time staying off tune. "Maybe I should call your dad and ask how he does it." he suggested.
At dinner, the subject of a specific scene in the series "Planet Earth" came up, in which a parasite infects an ant and a bizarre growth of deadly spores emerges out of the ant's corpse. "Oooh, I love that part!" I exclaimed, "I know it's totally gross, but I find gross things somewhat intriguing." "Well," said Todd, "That explains me."
While in college, I remember walking on campus with Todd through a building that was particularly dense with sorority-ish girls. After passing the group he remarked, "They were talking at about 75 LPM's" "What are LPM's?" I asked. He explained that LPM stood for "Like's" per minute.
We went to Costco as a family for Todd to pick out the big tv he thinks he deserves (which was slightly too big for our car), and fed everyone while we were there at the food court. After tying down the back to keep the tv in the car, as we were on our way home Todd mused, "That's another good thing about having a fat guy for a husband." "What," I asked, "'Cause you can eat everyone else's leftovers?" "No," he replied, "But thanks." "I was going to say, 'because you can use my belt to tie down the back door of the car."
You know when you leave your keys or wallet out and somehow the next time you look for them they are nowhere to be found - then two days later you find them in the fridge or in a toy box or some odd place? Todd has come up with a name for the culprits: relocation assistants
After a morning of trying to get Todd to stop grabbing me and get to work, I questioned, "Is this what it's going to be like when you retire? Are you going to do nothing but follow me around trying to touch my boobs?" "No," he answered, "I'll be following you around trying not to step on them."
Claire came in talking about a "bonkdin" on her bum, and I figured out she had a serious wedgie. "Well, no wonder," I exclaimed, "Your underwear is on sideways. Incidentally, your pants are on backwards too. You must've dressed yourself this morning, huh Claire?" "Uh," Todd interjected, "Sadly, no. It was me." What!? Seriously?
As he came out of the shower, Todd looked at me and said, "That was a great 'showper'" Wondering what he was getting at, I cautiously asked, "What's a 'showper'?" "No!" he exclaimed, dissappointed. "You were supposed to say, 'There's no 'P' in 'shower,' so I could say, 'There is now!'"
When we were newlyweds, Todd and I went out to a buffet, and I noticed him staring at my chest most of the meal. As is typical with such establishments, it was patronized mostly by the elderly. When I called him on his ogling, he suddenly got sentimental on me. "Just think," he said, glancing at one of the older couples in the restaurant, "In fifty years, I'll be doing this," he said, ogling me from UNDER the table!
Janelle had a wart that just kept getting bigger and bigger until Todd noted one day, "I'm no longer sure whether Janelle has a wart, or the wart has a Janelle."
Todd often gets commercial jingles stuck in his head and sings them randomly. Sometimes, though, it's just the wrong thing to sing at the wrong time. Like when I was coming out of the shower and he started singing the JELLO song ("See it wiggle, watch it jiggle..."). It might've been a few days before I spoke civilly to him after that.
Everyone knows someone whose family names all begin with the same letter. Todd and I were noticing that in some friends of ours and he pointed out the obvious reason parents choose to do that: "It makes it a lot easier to pass down monogrammed clothing." Of course.
Todd was looking for the ice cream scoop I had just used and asked me where it was. "It's right there," I said, pointing to it. "I already licked it -" I began to say. He sensuously began licking all over it and said, "You think that's going to bother me?" "-and then I put it in the sink where I just bathed the dog." I finished.
Todd's favorite guitar player has a new album out titled "Wanderlust", and he likes to wear the t-shirt for it. We were getting ready to go out for dinner and Todd asked me what would be appropriate to wear. "As long as you don't have any holes or anything, you should be fine," I told him. He innocently asked,"Would it be okay if my shirt has the word 'lust' on it?"
Law school keeps Todd pretty interested in all things legal. So I wasn't half surprised at his response when I chided him for watching judge shows like People's Court all day one time. "What?" he said, "I'm studying."
After organizing the office, I had 4 big rubber bins full of Todd's old collectibles and things he wasn't ready to throw out. I asked him to help me get them out to the garage because, "After all," I reasoned, "we don't need to be tripping over something in the house every day that we might need once a year." "That's it." he said, "I'm going to take all of your stuff that I don't like out to the garage too." I'm not a big collector, so I asked, "Like what? What do I have that you don't want me to have?" His answer: "Clothes."
Between commuting, working, and night school, Todd is gone from home a lot. I remarked on it the other day, saying, "You're hardly around," Todd replied,"I'm working on it. I'm getting pretty round."
After a date once, Todd and I stopped at McDonalds just before closing time. A heavy-set employee took our order, then barked at the other employees to help with the closing duties. "I've been working my butt off all day!" she shouted at the same moment she bent down to do something. Todd leaned over to me and mumbled, "Well, we know THAT's not true." I hope she didn't hear him.
When we were newlyweds, we were in the car and stopped to let a beautiful young lady cross the street. Todd muttered, "I'd like to get me some of that..." to which I gave him a dirty look, then he concluded, "Looks like a Forty-four ouncer..." She was holding a Slurpee. It's a good thing too, I can actually believe that's what held his interest.
Todd's mom likes to tell a story about him when he was little and had run off with a figurine or something of value. She chased him down and when he was caught, he said, "Don't pank Toddy!" So the other day he comes home from work, winks at me, and announces, "I'm lifting the 'Don't pank Toddy' ban."
Todd was browsing the internet on his laptop when my very pregnant friend dropped by for a visit. We all talked for a few minutes, then when she left he looked up from his computer and said, "I didn't know she was in heat." Confused and a little disgusted I said,"You didn't know Amanda was pregnant? Is that what you're trying to say? That's a crude way of putting it." He stared at me and said flatly, "No. I didn't know Ashley Judd was in the movie 'Heat'." Oh. That makes more sense.
There is no end to unusual baby names in this world. And there are no rules either. When I was pregnant with our fourth child, Todd suggested we be unconventional. "If it's a boy, we can tell people 'His name is spelled X-G-Y-T-S-L. We pronounce it 'Bob'."
We were discussing where we would travel if we could go anywhere in the world and Todd said, "I'd go to France." I rolled my eyes anticipating his reply and said, "To find the hole in the wall, right?"