Things I Learned From my Dad

For the past 4 Father's Days, I've sent a list to my dad about all the lessons he's taught me. You probably have to know him to understand many of these, but for posterity's sake I thought I ought to compile them all in one place (since I have yet to see my dad printing them up and framing them...) So, here is what I've learned from my dad:

2007
1. The 2% tax would solve all tax problems indefinitely - if only people could understand that it REPLACES existing taxes, it's not an additional tax (ignorant fools - won't even read the whole proposal before they shoot it down)

2. PIN YOUR SOCKS and you will never suffer the frustration of only having one half of a pair again. (but in the event that you are stuck with half a pair of socks - or underwear for that matter- you can always make it into a puppet)

3. When a couple looks mismatched, the attraction can be explained by the "immune system theory"

4. Take your minerals and never have another cold!

5. Processed foods are evil- twinkies are the creation of satan himself

6. The whiter the bread the sooner you're dead (suicide bread, as we call it in our house)

7. If you don't pick up your own things, dad'll pick them up for you

8. 2x4's weren't meant to hold up apartment buildings, and along similar lines, boys don't like girls who are shaped like twinkies

9. brush your face, comb your teeth, and wash your hair

10. If you ask where mom is, you'll always get the same helpful answer: "She broke her leg and we had to shoot her."

11. You're never too old to play "cowboy"

2008
1. Screwdrivers are better used for their intended purpose, drving screws, than poked into the ground through a tarp to hold down a slip 'n slide (but if you're going to use dad's good tools for that, at least have the sense to wipe them and put them back!)

2. Transmission fluid and motor oil are seperate and distinct substances. Do not mix and match the two. If you find yourself pouring pink oil into your car, cease pouring immediately and contact dad.

3. Little brothers should not drive cars, lest they park halfway through garage doors. And all neighbor witnesses should be clear on the facts, so that older sisters are not falsely accused.

4. Neighbor witnesses should also be clear on the facts where speeding down potholed roads are concerned. (I say again, it was Pook, not me!)

5. Singing in tune is optional.

6. Along the same lines, melodies are meant as suggestions, not restrictions. If you want to modify a song to make it more original, that's your prerogative.

7. When a scene in a movie offends, simply press 'mute'.

8. It is possible to stop a receding hairline in it's tracks, even if said hairline began receding in the late teen years. I don't know how, but I have seen it happen.

9. The Articles of Faith can be memorized as a picture, and if successful, you will never hear the 7th one again without a giant cow tongue lurking in the forefront of your mind.

10. One fantastic Christmas gift to a wife can make up for years of romantic dormancy - if she is the long-suffering, forgiving sort, that is :)

2009
1. Toothpicks retain their useability longer than most people realize. Discolored, softened by saliva, in a pocket for a couple of weeks, doesn't matter!

2. Being politically active is best done by passing on information on via email .

3. Passing information on via email is not conditional upon the truth of the information in question.

4. If a man picks up his socks, treat it as a gift, not an expectation.

5. Underwear is good for twice as long if you wear it in-side-out.

6. "Show your knees if you please, keep your thighs a surprise"

7. Combination names are convenient- "Jershanpookalsteve"- but they max out at 5. Trying to add a 6th name? Doesn't quite roll off the tongue the same.

8. Family prayer isn't over until the two lucky kids on either side of dad get their knuckles rubbed together.

9. There is no such thing as too much butter on toast

10. China is incapable of manufacturing ANYTHING worthwhile. Buy American or be sorry.

2010
1. The grass is always greener in Missouri

2. We will consider ourselves lucky if we can survive Obama

3. Once on the lips, forever on the hips

4. If you have to lock your car door and take the keys out of the ignition to keep it from getting stolen, you live in too big a city. Or you just live in Philomath and you're too trusting for your own good.

5. It's always more comfortable to snuggle on top of a Dad instead of directly on a couch no matter how cushy or bony either may be.

6. The perfect woman looks great (like Jill's friend Suzette), is a regular handyman (like Carrie Nunn), keeps a perfect house (Like Grandma), and does not exist (like Bigfoot)

7. One doesn't have to be a model of perfect worthiness to be called to the bishopric of a ward, unless said ward has a total of 11 people and no one else is available.

8. It doesn't take alcohol to get a dad into a grass skirt and coconuts - there must be something in the Hawaiian air (thank goodness it isn't in the Missouri air, right?) :)

9. Something about acidic foods and avoiding sickness, I'm still trying to figure that one out. Basically, eat huge amounts of salad and nothing yummy.

10. Dads will drop everything at a moment's notice to help you out in a pinch -even if you live half a continent away (and your kitchen flooded!). Thanks Dad!