The Dark Side of a Perfect Neighborhood

(as a disclaimer, I don't really feel SO strongly about this, just thought it made for interesting food for thought, and I love a good opportunity to exaggerate)

It’s hard living in a house with crazy kids and trying to keep up appearances so the neighbors don’t start talking. The house seems to fall apart on its own around you, and it’s all you can do to keep up. I know when my lawn needs to be mowed, or when a perpetually unfinished project starts to look trashy, but sometimes I just can’t get to it right away. I’m a busy woman, and I don’t like to miss my afternoon nap.

Which is why I’m glad I don’t live in a snobby subdivision. You know the kind I’m talking about: Gorgeous houses, impeccable landscaping, nary a bike left on the driveway. They’re nice looking, but I tell ya, they’re full of communists. They’re well-meaning folks who just want their neighborhood to stay nice, but it’s at the expense of some personal freedoms. They form a committee in charge of making sure all the neighbors comply with the rules. Rules like:

“You may not bring your garbage to the curb before dark, and it must be put out of plain sight by 8am on garbage day or you will be fined.”

“Dandelions may not exceed 4 at any given time, and must be eliminated within one day of notification.”

“Crabgrass is bad-grass. If you cannot take care of it yourself, we will re-sod it at your expense.”

“Gaudy house colors will not be acceptable. You are not allowed personal style or taste. Your style and taste may be chosen from the following colors: tan, coffee, burlap, chocolate, twine, potato skin, dirt, cork, dog poop, or plain brown.”

“Holiday decorations must be committee approved, and may go up exactly one week before and remain no longer than one week after corresponding holiday.”

“Keep the bumper stickers on your cars neutral. We do not want to know who you brake for, who you honk for, who you vote for, or what your sexual orientation is. (If your child is an award winner, however, we encourage you to flaunt it.)”

“No tacky yard decorations allowed. If a pink flamingo, pinwheel, or two-dimensional wood replica of a person’s backside is found in your possession, you will be asked to move to the cheap side of town where you belong.”


I would never fit in one of these Commie communities. I’m just not a perfectionist when it comes to appearances. The Joneses are so far ahead of me, I’ve been lapped. So I embrace the freedom to appear trashy. I reserve the right to cultivate crabgrass and dandelions. I will leave my garbage out all week long if I feel like it, and let the lid roll into the street and get run over. You’re gonna look at whatever tacky decorations suit my fancy, and you’re gonna like it! Hooray for freedom and the American way!