A Narrowly-Avoided Nightmare

I substituted for a PE/Health teacher this morning, and just about had a head-on collision with every middle schooler's worst day. I saw on a whiteboard that we were supposed to do the mile run in PE, and the beginning of the unit on puberty in health. (I could just see myself in front of the class like Molly Shannon in Never Been Kissed. "You know you ought to listen to your mother when she tells you nobody's going to buy the whole ice cream truck when you're handing out the popsicles for free!") I totally remember when they had the puberty talk in health class. I don't think I looked a boy in the eye for a week after that. I was just positive he was thinking about my ovaries or something. And the mile run!? Tell me that's not both of your worst days in middle school rolled into one - with the possible exception of the sit-up, push-up, pull-up, etc. presidential fitness tests. I have a friend who reportedly passed gas doing the sit-ups when a cute boy was holding her feet down. That was probably worse than the mile run for her. But then, I kind of liked the presidential fitness tests because in the back of my mind I was always thinking, "The President is going to be so proud of me!" But I digress... Anyway, I couldn't find any kind of lesson plan, student roster, schedule or even a whistle. I called the office, who called the poor teacher who was apparently very sick at home and hadn't been able to come in to leave a lesson plan. She decided to simplify the plan and have the kids play basketball during PE and watch a movie during health. [insert humongous sigh of relief] I got the schedule sorted out and found the student roster, so we were good to go.

Just when I thought things were going to be cool, at the end of one period when the girls were in the locker room, a teacher assistant who was working with the special ed kids in that class came out to talk to me. I swear to you, I HEARD her say, "There are two girls playing with their selves in there," and I'm thinking, "You've got to be kidding me. I don't get paid enough to deal with that. No way." Then when she continued, "I told them to put them away," I realized they had been playing with their CELL PHONES in there. Phew.