Things I Learned From my Dad

For the past 4 Father's Days, I've sent a list to my dad about all the lessons he's taught me. You probably have to know him to understand many of these, but for posterity's sake I thought I ought to compile them all in one place (since I have yet to see my dad printing them up and framing them...) So, here is what I've learned from my dad:

2007
1. The 2% tax would solve all tax problems indefinitely - if only people could understand that it REPLACES existing taxes, it's not an additional tax (ignorant fools - won't even read the whole proposal before they shoot it down)

2. PIN YOUR SOCKS and you will never suffer the frustration of only having one half of a pair again. (but in the event that you are stuck with half a pair of socks - or underwear for that matter- you can always make it into a puppet)

3. When a couple looks mismatched, the attraction can be explained by the "immune system theory"

4. Take your minerals and never have another cold!

5. Processed foods are evil- twinkies are the creation of satan himself

6. The whiter the bread the sooner you're dead (suicide bread, as we call it in our house)

7. If you don't pick up your own things, dad'll pick them up for you

8. 2x4's weren't meant to hold up apartment buildings, and along similar lines, boys don't like girls who are shaped like twinkies

9. brush your face, comb your teeth, and wash your hair

10. If you ask where mom is, you'll always get the same helpful answer: "She broke her leg and we had to shoot her."

11. You're never too old to play "cowboy"

2008
1. Screwdrivers are better used for their intended purpose, drving screws, than poked into the ground through a tarp to hold down a slip 'n slide (but if you're going to use dad's good tools for that, at least have the sense to wipe them and put them back!)

2. Transmission fluid and motor oil are seperate and distinct substances. Do not mix and match the two. If you find yourself pouring pink oil into your car, cease pouring immediately and contact dad.

3. Little brothers should not drive cars, lest they park halfway through garage doors. And all neighbor witnesses should be clear on the facts, so that older sisters are not falsely accused.

4. Neighbor witnesses should also be clear on the facts where speeding down potholed roads are concerned. (I say again, it was Pook, not me!)

5. Singing in tune is optional.

6. Along the same lines, melodies are meant as suggestions, not restrictions. If you want to modify a song to make it more original, that's your prerogative.

7. When a scene in a movie offends, simply press 'mute'.

8. It is possible to stop a receding hairline in it's tracks, even if said hairline began receding in the late teen years. I don't know how, but I have seen it happen.

9. The Articles of Faith can be memorized as a picture, and if successful, you will never hear the 7th one again without a giant cow tongue lurking in the forefront of your mind.

10. One fantastic Christmas gift to a wife can make up for years of romantic dormancy - if she is the long-suffering, forgiving sort, that is :)

2009
1. Toothpicks retain their useability longer than most people realize. Discolored, softened by saliva, in a pocket for a couple of weeks, doesn't matter!

2. Being politically active is best done by passing on information on via email .

3. Passing information on via email is not conditional upon the truth of the information in question.

4. If a man picks up his socks, treat it as a gift, not an expectation.

5. Underwear is good for twice as long if you wear it in-side-out.

6. "Show your knees if you please, keep your thighs a surprise"

7. Combination names are convenient- "Jershanpookalsteve"- but they max out at 5. Trying to add a 6th name? Doesn't quite roll off the tongue the same.

8. Family prayer isn't over until the two lucky kids on either side of dad get their knuckles rubbed together.

9. There is no such thing as too much butter on toast

10. China is incapable of manufacturing ANYTHING worthwhile. Buy American or be sorry.

2010
1. The grass is always greener in Missouri

2. We will consider ourselves lucky if we can survive Obama

3. Once on the lips, forever on the hips

4. If you have to lock your car door and take the keys out of the ignition to keep it from getting stolen, you live in too big a city. Or you just live in Philomath and you're too trusting for your own good.

5. It's always more comfortable to snuggle on top of a Dad instead of directly on a couch no matter how cushy or bony either may be.

6. The perfect woman looks great (like Jill's friend Suzette), is a regular handyman (like Carrie Nunn), keeps a perfect house (Like Grandma), and does not exist (like Bigfoot)

7. One doesn't have to be a model of perfect worthiness to be called to the bishopric of a ward, unless said ward has a total of 11 people and no one else is available.

8. It doesn't take alcohol to get a dad into a grass skirt and coconuts - there must be something in the Hawaiian air (thank goodness it isn't in the Missouri air, right?) :)

9. Something about acidic foods and avoiding sickness, I'm still trying to figure that one out. Basically, eat huge amounts of salad and nothing yummy.

10. Dads will drop everything at a moment's notice to help you out in a pinch -even if you live half a continent away (and your kitchen flooded!). Thanks Dad!

Understanding Claire

Heard Claire singing to herself: "Baby, baby, can't you hear my heart beef."
And can you translate these?:
rain hose=_________
belt straps=________
[any color] star wars=_______

answers: sprinkler, belt loops and starbursts

Dear Daddy,

Happy Father's Day! Someone is screaming, there's no more hot water, and you've been sleeping on a pacifier all night, but hey, we got you a new tie! We love you and we're glad you stick around!

Janelle also wrote a poem for the occasion (not a real plea about neglect, she was just trying to be cute and funny), set to the tune of the primary song "Daddy, I love you"

Daddy I love you
don't you see
you love the computer more than me
when I look
you're on facebook
or watching the football game on tv.
Daddy please pay more attention to me!

A Few Funnies

1. My sister called me this morning and said (as she put it), "I took a page out of 'Alli's Book of Subterfuge' the other day." "What did you do?" I asked. "I mixed too much spinach into the spaghetti sauce and turned it green, so I had to use food coloring to turn it back red." (just like I did to Todd's stew once trying to mix in too many pureed vegetables)

2. Then she told me about her little boy having what seemed to be a nightmare about wearing underwear. She heard him yelling frantically in his sleep, "I not a big boy! I still a yittle boy!"

3. Yesterday Claire told us that mommy's nubs make chicken nuggets for baby Eden to eat. I have multi-purpose nubs :)

Goofball Girls

They certainly have the power to drive me completely insane at times, but other times, I just have to laugh at Brooke and Janelle. Brooke set this up in the family room the other day for me to discover:

It's a round wooden finial from our bed post with a wig on it, stuck coming partway out of a trunk. Reminded me of the time a few friends and I came home from Newport with a rubber hand sticking out of the trunk of our car. Some concerned driver behind us called the police, who tracked the license plate number and called my parents, who, no doubt, rolled their eyes to the backs of their heads and wished I would be slightly less of a twirp.

And I just found this Mother's Day poem that Janelle wrote which I think is fabulous:

Mom

She's really calm

She's nice

takes care of me when I have lice

Mom

Helps me like lip balm

Sometimes she's mad at me

When I need to get into the house she gives me the key

Mom

When you're gone I go qualm [I had to look that one up]

You're caring

You like sharing

Mom

She's super mom

Fun

Her training's well done

Mom

You're awesome

You taught me to read

Mom you're in the lead

_______________________

And now for her joke alternate ending (I think I prefer this one):

Mom

Not a peeping tom

Looks as good as a rose

Doesn't wear pantyhose

Contract

Brooke tends to make deals with Janelle in order to get her way in an argument. She knows Janelle will probably not pay attention for the next 20 weeks to see if she is fulfilling her side of the contract, and she's already gotten what she wants. This is a juvenile mirroring of Todd and I. He always goes for the instant gratification and promises some thing he knows I can't or won't follow up on. Or he does just enough to get away with not doing the rest. And like a fool, I keep buying it, just on the off chance that this time he really means it. If his part of all our agreements had been fulfilled, you would not recognize the healthy, helpful, tidy, righteous man he would be. But I do have to give him due credit for doing two things this week that I asked him to do. Not only did he do them, he did them immediately! I was so excited! (See, that's what I've become, someone who gets ecstatic over baby steps). The problem is, Janelle and I are too nice for our own good. We need to take some tough negotiating classes (taught, of course, by Brooke and Todd) and stay away from car dealerships and insurance salesmen.

Personality Detector

I'm fascinated by the fact that I can sense the personality of an ebay seller just by their description. Case(s) in point:

1.PERSONS WITH 0 POSITIVEFEEDBACK PLEASE CONTACT ME PRIOR TO BIDDING OR I WILL CANCEL YOUR BIDS!!!
THIS IS FOR SERIOUS BIDDERS ONLY!!!
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR READING AND KNOWING THE RULES PRIOR TO BIDDING!INSURANCE IS HIGHLY SUGGESTED,ESPECIALLY FOR INTERNATIONAL BIDDERS AS I CAN NOT BE HELDRESPONSIBLE FOR TRACKING GOODS ONCE THEY LEAVE THE UNITED STATES.
PAYMENT IS DUE WITHIN 7 DAYS OF AUCTION CLOSING OR ITEM WILL BE RELISTED,NON-PAYING BIDDER REPORT FILED AND NEGATIVE FEEDBACK GIVEN.

My impression: bossy, dramatic and grouchy (and bordering on scary and psychopathic)

2. Great pair of shoes used about 4 or 5 times.

My impression: simplistic, easygoing and content

3. Worn once! These are terrific!! Wanted a bigger size since I have a wide foot. These are in mint condition!! They come with an extra set of laces and instructional DVD!!!

My impression: overeager, needy and annoying (with fat feet)

4. I have lots of beautiful things at affordable prices so please check out my other items and be sure to add me to your favorites list!

My impression: a little pretentious, but probably likeable

People should pay me for my skills...